confession: my sin, my struggle, my brokeness

He will yet fill your mouth with laughing,
And your lips with rejoicing.
Job 8:21
 

Hi good Friend. You have no idea how long I have been waiting for the right post to use this picture. I named it forgotten paradise. The aged walls, the grime, the pile of dirt, its brokenness has me captivated. In a peculiar way, I feel connected to this place. I can almost identify with its condition. I wonder how lovely this place must have been once, when it was alive, nevertheless all that remains is ruble. I saved this picture to post on a day when I felt like blogging about being redeemed, or forgotten. Yet I never considered that I would have tagged it along with a confession.

I write to you today and my soul feels like this place. I confess that I have had a divided heart. I’ve been torn by longings to give in to the desires of my flesh. Continually my mind has been out of control with urges to return to a destructive lifestyle. I don’t know how or when I let my guard down but the thought of relapsing have been occurring more often than none. Like this picture I feel like the aged walls, I am falling apart and losing this battle. Like the grime in this picture I feel that Anorexia is so deeply rooted in me that I can’t wash it away. I can’t keep sweeping this pile of dirt aside as if it will go away. The more I hide it in a corner the bigger the pile grows and harder it will be to pick up, longer it will take to clean up. I am broken, but God has promised me that a broken and contrite heart He will never despise (Psalm 51*).

I detest admitting that I am weak. Really, who actually enjoys admitting that they are weak- no one! I am so weak. I also have been blind. Today I encouraged someone, looking at them with eyes of pity and compassion. At the moment I gave them advice with a sincere heart, truly yearning that “my” advice would make a difference in their walk to freedom. It wasn’t till tonight at church when my Pastor** said two things that hit me like a ton of bricks. 1) Confrontation of sin has to be in God’s timing in order for it to be effective. 2) Our sin looks horrible on someone else. But it wasn’t till he read Matthew 7:3-4 that my hypocrisy was exposed. Verse 3 says, “And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?” That scripture was like a bucket of cold water that woke me up from my sleep. As I thought about the advice that I gave, the words came back to me and ministered to me. How could I have missed heeding the word of advice that I had given? Not only was it a word from the Lord for that person, but for myself as well.

Anorexia is without a doubt a sin that can so easily ensnare you, entrap you and bind you. My life lately has been a little unstable, with many changes. I have been feeling lonely and my world was not in my control like it had been for a while, so naturally eating was the easiest control tactic. Stop eating Raquel, gain control again. I know this makes no sense and very few will really understand. This is a struggle that I have no choice but to live with. However I can make a choice as to where I draw strength from- my strength which has proven to be weak time and time again, or I can draw my strength from God who has always proven to be a strong and mighty tower who never fails, never sleeps nor slumbers.

Tomorrow I will finally begin a book/study called HEAL: healthy eating abundant living by Allie Marie Smith (links to the book and Allie’s blog). I ordered this book about a month ago and it has been sitting on my dresser... convicting me! LOL. I have avoided opening it because I know that it means going back to step 1 in my battle against Anorexia. I am definitely in a humble place, much like this picture. I thought I was established, in good condition, pure, holy, strong yet the reality of it all is that I have a lot of changes to make, a lot of growing to do and the Lord has yet to stretch me more. My pride is hurting especially since I was so sure that I had overcome this monster. I thank God that I am not alone in this battle both in the sense that I am not the only one who struggles with this but also because I have great accountability partners (which reminds me, that I need to confess to them too, lol). I covet your prayers and thank you for reading this looooong post.

Galatians 5:1
Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage.

*Psalm 51
**Pedro Garcia